Breaking Even
by sparklylulz
Summary: He was left to pick up the pieces of his life and to accept that he would always love her. He would always need her. -Puckleberry


**A/N: Hello, hello! Long time, no write. Sorry about that, school has been heinous lately. However, I am back with some Puckelberry angst. You know me, I can't resist a happy ending. I hope you quite enjoy this, as I love the idea of Puck actually wanting Rachel.**

**_WARNING: Extreme OOC-ness towards the end. (:_**

–

_**'breaking even'**_

_'I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing_

_Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in_

_Cos I got time while she got freedom_

_Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even'_

He was a fucking moron, and he knew that much, he had always known that much. He had been a moron since he turned thirteen and started fucking anything remotely attractive. He knew that it would get him in trouble one day. Look at him now, pregnant girlfriend who he didn't like and didn't like him. He had fucked up real good. Not only had he managed to make his best friend hate him, along with stupid Glee club, but he had also lost _her_. She wouldn't even look at him anymore, she was disgusted by his treachery, especially against _her _Finn. Yeah, they were a fucking item now, and did he care? Hell yes, he cared. She was supposed to be his, she was _always_ supposed to be his, now he had royally screwed that up.

When he was a little boy, his mother told him that if he prayed things would get better. So he prayed a lot as a kid. He prayed for his little sister, and his mom, and when his dead beat dad left him at twelve years old, he prayed every night that he would come home. It didn't take him long to realize that praying wasn't ever going to bring his bastard of a father home to him. That was the exact moment when he stopped believing in god. That was also the night that he broke his mother's heart, because she clung to her faith to keep her sane.

Now, though, he was praying, praying harder than he ever had before. He was praying that someday she would forgive him, and maybe give him another chance. He knew this was probably a fantasy, as she had Saint Finn to be there for her and hold her hand. Finn didn't even seem to want that job, though, as he was still in love with the mother of Puck's kid. It was all fucking confusing, and made him pretty angry when he actually thought about it.

He didn't have much left to him anymore. He was going to be a dad in a few months; he was going to graduate in a year and do god only knew what; and she would be gone in two, off to bigger and better things. Time marked his every move, especially if he wanted to win her over once and for all. Yes, he was confined by time, while she had all the time in the world. Time to fall in love with someone else, time to make herself a star, time to forget about _him_. But there was no way in any form of hell that he was ever going to let that happen.

If he were to be honest with someone and tell them exactly what he was feeling... He knew exactly what he was feeling.

He was fucking heart broken, and it fucking sucked.

–

_'Her best days will be some of my worst_

_She finally met a man that's gonna put her first_

_While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping_

_Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven...'_

Glee club was thriving, fresh off their win from Sectionals, and he was miserable. Quinn was pretty much sick of him, and she was crying all the time over Finn. Speaking of his idiot of an ex-best friend, he had broken_ her_ heart, and managed to get wound up in Santana's crazy. Just when he thought the field was clear, a new option stepped in. An option that was much worse than Hudson. This was a wavy haired, pitch perfect, leather jacket wearing asshole named Jesse St. James. Yeah, he was a fucking _saint_. That didn't mean shit to Puck, he wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass if he ever hurt her. She was all that kept him going most days.

So now she was blissfully happy. She had everything; Glee, and a boyfriend who would sing stupid show tunes with her. God, he was just like that Jonathan Groff guy she was always going on about when they had dated. Everyone in the club knew that he was a spy, 'cause you'd have to be fucking stupid not to realize that. Even Hudson had recognized it. It was just that she had never really been loved, not in the way that she deserved, so of course she was going to keep the first boy who ever came along and swept her off her feet. And it really sucked.

He knew that on the surface Jesse was the perfect boyfriend. He was always putting her first, hence why he joined their fucking Glee club. He genuinely wanted her, and not just to get in her pants, although Puck knew any guy wouldn't mind going a round with her. That irritated him too.

He was laying awake one night, and her face was perfectly clear in his mind, just like it was all the time, and he had to admit it to himself. The thing he had been trying to deny since he joined the fucking Glee club.

He was in love with her. Totally and completely in love with her, even if she was fucking crazy.

–

_'What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,_

_And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay_

_I'm falling to pieces, yeah,_

_I'm falling to pieces'_

He found himself watching her a lot, like some kind of creep, but he wasn't a creep. She simply fascinated him. She was always nice to Quinn, even if the latter had always ruined her life. She was full of a kindness that she never got to express, because no one thought that she had ever been worth it. She was though, she was so worth it.

Finn was still fighting for her, like some kind of idiot puppy that thought he could win her over with cuteness. That would never work, not now, not after she had found out that he had lied to her. He had done the mother of all asshole things, and slept with the school slut that hated her. That was enough to break anybody, but not her. She would never allow someone like that to break her, she was much stronger than half the people he knew. Much stronger than him.

He was lost now. He was lost when it came to what he needed to do next, it seemed like a hopeless battle to him. She was so happy, and why should he go in and break her happiness, simply so he could have her, when she didn't want him? So he did the only thing he could think of.

He placed his head in his hands and sobbed.

–

_'They say bad things happen for a reason_

_But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding_

_Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving_

_And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even'_

He'd faced a lot of shit in his waste of a life so far. He'd seen his mother literally fall apart at the seams, he'd seen his best friend struggle to bear a burden that wasn't even his, and he had faced falling in love with a girl he used to throw slushies at every single damn day. It wasn't that one day he just miraculously realized how pretty and amazing she was, 'cause he'd always known that, it was just that one day he realized that she was much more badass than he could ever hope to be. She held the one club who was always there, for anybody, even people trying to destroy it, together. And that was fucking hot.

He knew what his mother would say if he were to ask why all this shit had to happen to him. "_Everything happens for a reason, Noah, it's Yahweh's plan for us all._" Yeah, well, he didn't think very highly of this plan. It sucked, and he was sick and tired of always being a loser. She was always the one who never ever made him feel like a loser, even when she discovered the truth about Quinn's infidelity. She didn't give up on people, and naturally Noah Puckerman would be no exception to that rule.

It didn't matter now though, no matter the hope he felt when she was still nice to him. He was gonna be a dad now, and that meant that his life would never be the same. She was perfectly happy in her musical and fairytale life with Jesse, and it cut him deeper than he had ever expected it to. He had responsibilities, and baggage, none of which she deserved. Jesse was a free agent, hell he sang his way through every fucking thing. Even when they got lunch in the cafeteria he heard them singing to each other and it broke his stupid heart.

He didn't really know what it would take to get over her. He had tried everything he could think of. He tried to sleep with Santana, but she kind of smelled like Hudson, and that was a huge fucking turn off. He had kissed Quinn, who proceeded to smack him, which he kind of deserved. She had made it clear that they were just two assholes who had gotten stuck together, and while she loved his child, their child, she did not and would never be able to love him. He got that, because he honestly wouldn't be able to love her either. He knew what being in love felt like now and it sort of blew.

The thing that sucked most though, was that he never saw her anymore. She was always busy, and he kind of missed just talking to her while she waited on her dads to get her. She was full of hope and big dreams, and it was the cutest fucking thing on the entire planet. Yeah, he wished he could have those moments back now. He'd give almost anything for them.

The truth was that he missed the shit out of her, and it broke his heart even more.

–

_'Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain_

_You took your suitcase, I took the blame._

_Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh_

_Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name'_

It didn't seem very fair to him that he was fighting for arguably the most unpopular girl in school against two of the most popular boys. She didn't seem to realize, or care, that Finn was looking at her in the way he used to look at Quinn. Like she was some sort of puppy that he really wanted, but was too scared to approach. Puck couldn't blame him, she could be downright fucking scary, like his mom. Crazy Jew women, was what he affectionately called them. Jesse, on the other hand, looked at her like she was something to fucking eat, which was creepy as hell. Pulling an Edward Cullen in real life, (yeah, shut the fuck up, his sister read Twilight), was not chill.

He also was the one who always took the damn blame for everything. _He_ knocked Quinn up, _he_ betrayed his best friend, _he_ had pushed her away, and _he_ had disappointed her. It was always his fault, and that left everyone free to be themselves. It just honestly didn't make any sense to him, how in the name of Christ had he ended up in this god-awful position? Why hadn't he just stayed in his rightful badass place and never messed with this Glee club shit? But he knew deep down that he just could not picture his life without Glee. It was like a lifeline for everyone in there, seeking shelter and friendship. Even the most popular kids wanted some real, non bullshit friends, and that's what she was to him before he had fucked that up.

She didn't really look at him anymore. He had caught her once, looking at him as if she didn't really know what he was. Not in a judgmental way, just curious like always. He had looked back at her, and though his heart ached to call out to her, to just touch her smooth skin one more time, he forced himself to break gaze with her and look back to where Kurt was singing to Hudson. Kid needed to realize that Hudson was many things, but gay was sure as shit not one of them. He kind of felt bad for Kurt now, as he knew how much it sucked to be in love with someone that didn't love you back.

He was left to pick up the pieces of his life, and to accept that he would always love her.

He would always need her.

–

_'What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and_

_What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok_

_(Oh I'm glad you're okay now)_

_I'm falling to pieces'_

He heard her voice before he actually saw her, and it still managed to give him chills. It was shaking, and there was something more vulnerable about it. A sound he rarely heard come from her mouth, as it wasn't perfect. It was a raw, emotional, and powerful sound, and he allowed it to swallow him whole. He was drinking it in, oh god, how he had missed it. He did not move until he heard the last note waver from her vocal chords, and when he did move, she came into clear view.

She was crying, crying harder than he had ever seen her cry before. Tear streaks had made her face shine like diamonds made her skin, and her eyes were red. She was alone on the piano bench that Brad always played to them from, and she was cradling herself, hoping to hold herself together whilst doing so. Just like she had held Glee club together so often. It didn't seem like she had the strength anymore, however, and he couldn't just let her sob.

"Hey, Berry, you okay?" He asked in a soft voice, trying not to frighten her. She jumped anyway when she heard the rough voice echo from the corner.

"Oh, hello, Noah. I'm... I'm fine, thank you." He voice faltered and he knew she was lying because she was fumbling with the hem of her skirt. He grabbed her small hand and touched her skin for the first time in what seemed forever.

"It's okay, whatever it is." He said, her eyes flashed up to his and she was searching for his sincerity.

"Jesse... he broke up with me." She hiccuped, looking smaller than he had ever seen her.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. He was a douche." He said softly, and pulled her closer to him, wondering when this weird, strange longing for her had truly began. And since when had he acted on it?

"Yeah he is. I told him I just couldn't love him. I was too attached to another person and therefore could not reciprocate his feelings." She said gently, and his heart clenched. It was fucking _Finn_ again. It was always Finn.

"So you kind of dumped him?" She nodded, not using her voice for once. "Then... why the hell are you crying like someone killed a puppy?" He asked, smiling at her the best he could, and the smile stretched to her face also.

"Because... the person that I have chosen to have feelings for cannot have the same emotions for me." She was speaking like a granny again, but he didn't care, in fact he liked it.

"Berry, Hudson has been looking at you like he wanted to propose all week. I think you're fine." He all but growled. She noticed this, but he did not meet her eyes.

"It isn't... It isn't Finn, Noah." Her voice was softer than he had ever heard it, and his eyes snapped to her's. He was trying not to let hope erupt inside of him, but he was failing hard core.

"Then who is it? I can keep a secret." He said, his voice slightly quavering. She looked at him, studying him again, and placed a soft hand on his face.

"I wish sometimes that I had met you a long time ago." He found himself saying after a moment of silence. "You might have helped me not to be such a fuck up and a loser." He said, bitterness evident in his tone.

"I have never thought you were either of those things, Noah." She said, but he continued to speak.

"I don't even know what it was about you. I mean, all the guys in the school know you're hot. It's just that you were always so damn _weird_." Her face fell a little and he slapped himself mentally. "But I never thought you were weird. I liked that you weren't boring. Then I realized that you meant a fucking lot to me, because you never judged me after the Quinn thing. Even though I broke _your_ Finn's heart. That meant more to me than I can ever express." He said gently, truthfully.

"I... I've been heart broken. I didn't really even like Jesse." She admitted softly and he looked at her. "I was trying to prove to myself that I deserved someone like him. Someone who liked musicals and didn't swear. Someone my dads would always love, and didn't have a ridiculous haircut." She smiled at him and he felt it was a contagious sort of smile. "Maybe I do, but for some reason that's not what I want. I want the foul language, the mohawk, and the overall badassness." She said staring at him.

That was the moment when he lost control and slammed his lips against hers in a way he had craved for so long. She kissed him back with a greediness that he would never have dreamed would have happened. Then, too soon, she pulled away from him.

"But.. you... you love..." She stuttered and he smirked at her. "Don't you dare say Quinn, Berry, 'cause she's sort of a bitch to me. She hates my damn guts." She laughed, and it was a beautiful noise to him. "You mean, all this time I've been heart broken over you, you've wanted me?" She said like she was having a hard time processing this.

"Fuck yeah, Berry. I managed to fall in love with your crazy ass." He said easily and she poked him hard in the ribs.

"Who would've thought? I guess that it's just my badassness." She said, and it was the cutest thing in the world.

Yeah, he wasn't heart broken anymore, for some crazy reason she loved him back.

Oh, and one other thing, Rachel Berry is an a-fucking-mazing kisser.


End file.
